I see innumerable people every day. The teeming population come and go – some of them, kind enough to toss a coin or two in my bowl. I see so many kinds of people, and wonder, am I the only one who has no one? Am I the only one who has been a prey to utter loneliness ever since I was a child ?
I am an orphan. I never saw my parents. For me, I am the unluckiest person alive who has no one worth living for. Every day, I pray to God to let me die in peace. Death is all that I need right now. He has already taken everyone I loved, from me.
This life has become unbearable now. I have nobody worth surviving for. And about me, a piece of me had died long back with the demise of my wife, whose life slipped away while giving birth to our second child. My daughter and I raised my son with a lot of struggle. My daughter was also just a child. She was only 8 years old.
But even after enduring so much hardship for my son, God chose to play his nasty game and he died when he was 22. I could not even see my son getting married. He died in a bus accident.
My daughter died a year after that, leaving her six years old daughter, Pallavi to me. Pallavi was my granddaughter. She was the world to me. She was my night and day – the noor of my eyes. She was an eighteen years old, beautiful and happy girl. I never knew that she was hurting so much that she would end up committing suicide in our room with her scarf. I never knew any of it! She never told me anything. I could never feel her pain. People say that I am cursed and sometimes I feel like believing them.
Pallavi’s death haunts me everyday. How could I not know what was going on in her life? How could I let her do that to herself? I couldn’t save anybody.
I have been living all alone since the last four years and waiting to see my last day. People don’t like to see me in my village. They think I am the cursed one. I don’t know how many days have passed since I came here in the city. I don’t know what God, if there is any, wants from me. As for me, being alive is a curse now.